I am stuck. I am stuck at home. I am at home, stuck. I am homestucked.
(Contains spoilers for Homestuck, obviously. I tried to keep it spoiler-free except for the parts where I discuss the ending. But I'd like to see you try spoiling this beast of a comic. You really can't.)
Attempt to write a review for the webcomic of all time.
"A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!
What will the name of this young man be?"
As goes the first page of the infamous comic by andrew hussie, homestuck. ~8000 pages and more than 800k words (YOU WANT ME TO FIND THE EXACT NUMBER? Hell no). About 3 days ago now, i finished homestuck start-to-finish. I love it so much. It is utter bullshit. It is the best piece of garbage you will ever read. It will waste so, so much time. It will change your life.
Homestuck is an "interactive comic" -- it is a collage of images, gifs, videos, and games. Every page is set up with an image/gif/flash/whatever and accompanying it is a sentence or a epitaph of text, it really depends whatever is happening in the scene (but text length does get increasingly longer after Act 5 Act 2)
The comic is seperated into 'acts' but in a really stupid way. They start dropping in sub-acts around act 6. And then they drop sub-sub-acts in act 6 as well. Its fucked. For reference, acts 1-4 is about 25% of the comic. Act 5 is another 25%, and act 6 is the remaining 50%. Act 6 seems to be disconcertingly obsessed with dual plotlines. Same goes with act 6 act 6. The final act, act 7 is a single video.
OH. Fair warning: Homestuck loves to dabble in fourth-wall breaks just for the shitfuckerbitchery of it. Cause like, whatever. Who cares anymore
Some of my favourite moments are from the pesterlogs. Basically, since the kids are online friends with each other and not real life friends, they must text over some kind of text client. Normally they read like this:
KT: hi
PL: You're dinner.
Anyway, a lot of funny ass dialogue happens through the logs. Several times this comic has sent me into a laughter-induced heart attack from the people being too funny. One time this shit sent me into laughter-induced liver failure ITS TOO FUCKING GOOD ITS TOO FUNNY FOR THIS WORLD.
And to make it even worse/better, In act 5, they (properly, because they appear in act 4 as well) introduce the trolls, 12 alien kids wwho T4LK wit)( 22tupiid ASS tYPING,, Ha8its jUsT t0 spice it up a little. BECAUSE WHY NOT YOU KNOW. WHY THE HELL NOT??? Its unique I guess. and is definitely a Homestuck thing of all time. I think now that i'm a True Fan its time for me to pick something stupidly unreadable (Because it does happen, COUGH COUGH sollux COUGH COUGH feferi COUGH COUGH) up for myself.
"GC: H33H33H33!!!!
GC: H4H4H4H4
GT: hehe
GC: 4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
GT: hehehehehehe
GC: JOHN
GC: WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL
GT: uh...
GC: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW MUCH YOU D1SGUST M3
GC: YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY
GC: 1F W3 3V3R M33T
GC: 1M GO1NG TO CUT YOUR THRO4T
GC: 4ND L1ST3N TO YOU BL33D WH1L3 1 SM3LL YOU D13"
"uu: YOu WILL DRAW ME MY PORNOGRAPHY, DIRK HuMAN STRIDER.
uu: I WILL HAVE MY POuND OF SMuT.
TT: ...
TT: I'm waiting.
uu: OR I WILL MuRDER MY SISTER."
My favourite act is probably Act 5 Act 2. Or Act 6 Act 3. Or Act 6 Act 5. Or Act 6 Act 6 Act 3/Intermission 3. FUCK. I DONT EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK DAWG! FUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKact is starting to sound less like a real word after this.
If you're looking to read homestuck, you have probably caught wind of the universe/planet/world/everything-destroying shenanigans going on. And while those things do very much happen, they happen much, much later from when you first start the comic. I'd say if you come into homestuck just to watch the high-stakes plot roll, you are missing out... Above all, Homestuck is a comedy. A bunch of stupid shit is done, said, and called back to 1000 pages later just for comedic value. It's a webcomic. Don't take it too seriously, sit back and laugh a little. Start at act 1, see if you're having fun. If you aren't entertained at least a little bit by John's sylladex fumbling, the comic might not be for you.
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER DONT FUCKING LOOK IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT READING THIS SHIT
MY THOUGHTS ON THE ENDING: It was mid as hell. I think its just because not enough people died? Because basically nobody died it was predictable. In a6a6i5 they're all like Oh yes lets go fight all these bad guys! and they plan to fight all the bad guys right. But in a6a6a6 they kinda just. fight the bad guys. and they win. like ok i guess. i thought there would be crazy plot twist but like i guess not. I like it when characters I like die. John should've died. it would have made me sad but it would have made me think homestuck is really good because it made me sad. THATS WHY I DONT LIKE THE RETCON. I HATE THE RETCON. I HATE IT SO MUCH. AUUUGHGHHHHHH...... On that note:
MY FAVOURITE FLASH: [S] Game Over. I FUCKING LOVE DEATH I FUCKING LOVE THINGS GOING WRONG. SO FUCKING GOOD. I LOVE GAME OVER. TEREZI GETS BEAT UP. CALIBORN GETS BEAT UP. JANE GETS IMPALED. ROSE GETS IMPALED. JAKE GETS IMPALED SO MANY PEOPLE GET IMPALED ACTUALLY. KARKAT GETS INCINERATED. SO MUCH FUCKING FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and honourable mention: [S] Cascade. I Had my jaw wide open. it was about to unhinge itself and shatter into a million pieces on the floor. Convinced me homestuck was actually good. if i was unsure before cascade i was sure after. EVERYONE LOVES CASCADE AND FOR GOOD REASON.
OK SPOILER DONE
Here's where it should end ........... but. I suddenly feel the urge to make my blog post fill a shit ton of space with useless slodge. Mountainfuls of it, infact. Piles and piles and piles and piles and piles of waffle and phlegm. A phlegm waffle. Drenched in maple syrup and butter, because I think waffles are paired with those things
You know what. Here goes my quick thoughts on every main (main as in, appears and is relevant for more than one act) homestuck character because hell the fuck yes. I TRIED TO KEEP IT NOT TOO INTENSIVE SO I DONT STRAIN MYSELF THINKING OF THINGS TO WRITE + TO KEEP IT FAIRLY SPOILERLESS
JOHN EGBERT: john is the main character of many and RIGHTFULLY SO. he is friendly and joyous and gullible a bit but hes not stupid. i love him man he's just really fun to watch.
JADE HARLEY: jade ehhhh i mean shes cute i dont think i have many opinions on her though. doggy girl in a doggy world
DAVE STRIDER: dave is a really entertaining character to watch. he embeds his words with stupidly ostentatious word play, i think logs with dave in them are more often than not funnier than non-dave ones
ROSE LALONDE: Rose is very witty and i like her. Reading her typing style gets really hard sometimes though because of her flowery words but its okay. She's really cool I love her whole idk. goth?? would you describe her as goth? Edgy and dark aesthetic.
FEFERI PEIXES: Okay, I'm sorry but I did not give a s)(it about F-EF-ERI. I think it's just too little screen time? I don't know. Sorry girl. YOU COULD'V-E B-E-EN P-EAK.
ERIDAN AMPORA: i do not like eridan dude get this fish awway from me bruh. eww bro i hate the amporas so much. i think their family genetics just cause them to act wweird around other people. and also get them to hit on evveryone they knoww??? uh. i cant believve these sea chuds. thank god they're irrelevvant LMAO
GAMZEE MAKARA: gAmZeE iS a ReAlLY fUnNy ChArAcTeR bEcAuSe He Is LiTeRaLlY jUsT eVeRyWhErE???? fOr SoMe ReAsOn okay im getting tired typing in that stupid ass quirk. he's pretty funny but i hate him still. I dont forgive you for how u treated my goat the tz. And also half of the troll cast 💀
EQUIUS ZAHHAK: D --> I'm really scared of him. Racist? Pervert? Musclebro? You bet it. His relationship with Nepeta because was really cute though. Other than that, he creeps me out.
VRISKA SERKET: Honestly I have no opinions on Vriska. I dont h8 her but I don't love her either. 8ut I think she has slurped too much screen time for herself where it could've been given to idk, someone who actually needs it? I didn't like her much in Act 5 8ecause of her tre8tment of Tavros.
TEREZI PYROPE: T3R3Z1 1 LOV3 YOU G1RL YOU 4R3 TH3 QU33N TO OUTQU33N 3V3RY OTH3R TROLL. SH3S SO FUCK1NG COOL. 4ND H3R STORY 1S SO S4D. YOU D3S3RV3D SO MUCH B3TT3R, M4N. Her shades are so awesome and i feel so bad for her game over self. and her retcon self. FuCK dawg. her relationship with vriska always gets me :,)
KANAYA MARYAM: I Don't Really Have Any Opinions On Kanaya But Her Chainsaw Is Pretty Awesome
NEPETA LEIJON: :33 < mew gets ready to write her thoughts nepeta is a nothingburger character and i did not really care. mostly because she had no scr33n time. i f33l like she has too many fans for not appearing like at all. i dont know. am i being nitpicky? i think so. her moiraillegiance with equius is sw33t but thats about it.
KARKAT VANTAS: I LIKE KARKAT. HE'S ANNOYING AND ALSO KIND OF PATHETIC. I THINK IT'S FUNNY TO HAVE A SHOUTY GUY WHO CAN'T ACTUALLY CARRY OUT ANY OF HIS THREATS THAT HE MAKES TO OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. HE'S THE WEAKEST OUT OF EVERYONE. HIS SELF MEMOS ARE SO STUPID. I DON'T APPRECIATE HOW HE TREATED TEREZI IN THE GAME OVER TIMELINE THOUGH. THAT PISSED ME OFF SO BAD.
SOLLUX CAPTOR: ii thought ii wa22 goiing to liike 22ollux more but to be hone22t not really. he22 ok ii gue22. ii ju22t diidnt care much. YOU DO NOT IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE EAT THE MIND HONEY.
TAVROS NITRAM: uHHH,, tAVROS,, i MEAN, i LIKE HIM I THINK, i DON'T, REALLY KNOW,, lIKE WHAT IS THERE EVEN TO SAY,
ARADIA MEGIDO: aradia she l00ks and acts really c00l. except i did n0t care much! w0w there really is a big trend g0ing. i have very mild 0pini0ns 0n m0st 0f the beta tr0lls.
BEC NOIR: bad dog worst enemy. Good antagonist though i will say. him not being able to hurt jade because hes woof woof dog was pretty funny.
WAYWARD VAGABOND: Mayor mayor mayor. thank you for the beautiful John and cookies sequence https://homestuck.com/002334 . Of course i like WV. everyone likes WV i mean cmon. theres nothing unlikable about this guy. hes just a chess guy in the great can town. They kinda benched him after act 6 started idk. Same with PM i think they just forgot the carapacians could understand (or at least write) english.
PEREGRINE MENDICANT: MY GOAT. THE MAIL NEVER FAILS. SHE IS THE BEST POSTALWOMAN THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN. EVER!!!!!!!! she was chasing jack for THREE years nonstop. What the hell bro. TRUE DEDICATION TO THE SERVICE. DO IT LIKE HER!!!!! Her pre-exile postal outfit was really cute. So cute bro. i love universe B1 because the prototypings give the carapacians the silly ass outfits.
SPADES SLICK: stabby stab stab. I can't believe this guy. He has an atrocious backstory. Befriends a troll kid. Gets exiled. Forms a gang of mobsters. They all (but you) die. You uh.... Kill your hate-gf (Who is also the universe). You get patched up with robo things. You get thrown from a balcony. i dont even know.
*for the non-slick members of the midnight crew, i mean all their appearances no matter what universe
CLUBS DEUCE: GUY WITH UMBRELLA. AMAZING. I LOVE YOUR EXPLOSIVES HAHAHHAH CD LIKE THE BOMB HAHAHAHAHAHAH THATS WHY ITS YOUR ACRONYM ISNT IT HAHAHAHAH. FUNNY LITTLE GUY. THANK YOU FOR ONE OF THE BEST LINES EVER, "Everybody out of the god damn way. You got a hat full of bomb, a fist full of penis, and a head full of empty."
HEARTS BOXCARS: DECAPITATION FUN! Does he do anything else except die bro
DIAMONDS DROOG: im crine he really forced all dersites to wear fancy attire IM DEAD.
JANE CROCKER: Janey janey jane :B Shes okay. The scene with jake being a slop ass man was holy real. Holy relatable
JAKE ENGLISH: ehhhhh i dont like him. Idk what to say. I think he would have more aura if he was a girl
DIRK STRIDER: Dirk .hmmmm hes interesting i like the thing with his identity issues and such. I definitely like him less than dave though. I think the striders are very wholesome when they're together and brotherly.
ROXY LALONDE: ROXY THE GOAT. THE BEST ALPHA KID. THE BEST ON GOD. THE LEADER OF THE NULL SESSION. i love u rolal ur amazing. awesomely amazing. SHE SAW DRINKING AS A PROBLEM AND SO SHE QUIT IT. HOLY AURA. SHE NEEDED TO LEARN HER ASPECT SO SHE DID IT. CRAZY. CRAZY AND AWESOME. I love her god-tier outfit its so cute
CALLIOPE: my beaUtifUl daUghter! :U i love callie so mUch she's sUch a sweetheart. i'm so happy for her. my babyyyyyyyyyyy. anyone who says she's Ugly is jUst wrong. my amazing fandom girl. she woUld've loved tUmblr. she woUld've loved ao3. i really like her artstyle its so fUn. SHE'S SO CUTE I WILL CRY BRO. CALLIE NEEDS MORE FANS. CALLIE IS OBVIOUSLY THE BETTER SIBLING. I ONLY SAY THE TRUTH. also this page was thoroughly entertaining: https://homestuck.com/006465
CALIBORN: GENuINELY THE FuNNIEST GuY EVER. BuT ALSO THE SEXIST-IST GuY EVER. AND THE EVILEST GuY EVER. I THINK ITS REALLY FuNNY HOW HIS EGO STRETCHES TO THE MOON AND HE IS NEVER FORCED TO COME DOWN. MuCH THE OPPOSITE ACTuALLY, HE HAS THIS WHOLE COMPLEX OF HIMSELF BEING THE SMARTEST AND BEING ABLE TO DO EVERYTHING. AND THEN HE??? DOES IT??? HE DOES EVERYTHING. THAT'S CRAZY. tumut
MEENAH PEIXES: oh my glub meenah is so awesome EXCEPT. THEY MADE HER DIDDY. FUCK. WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS SHIT. THIS IS EVIL THIS IS SO EVIL SHE WAS SO COOL AND FUNNY. AND THEN U MAKE HER GROOM VRISKA AND KARKAT IM DONE BRO IM DONE. Sigh
DOC SCRATCH: (imagine this text is white and extremely hard to read or something) My name is Doc Scratch and I am into little girls. Haa Haa. Hee Hee. Hoo Hoo.